[Disclaimer: I generally have a very good relationship with my mother, and I know that I am not perfect either.]
My mother is a collector. Not of anything in particular, but of everything. Sure, she has shelves full of teapots and books on the Kennedy family, but she never throws anything out. I think her "stuff" makes her feel secure, and I can even understand why because of the way she grew up. Where I come into it is that it's not just her own "stuff" that gives her security, it's giving other people "stuff." And, because I am being self-centered at the moment, it means putting Stuff in my house.
This first became a problem at Christmas after Liz (then Beth) was born. We travel several hours to both sets of grandparents, who in turn live several hours from each other. After the Christmas at my parents, we barely had room enough to repack the car. The next year was no better; Beth actually stopped opening presents and began to cry when we tried to give her another one because there were so many. It has gotten a little better over the years after repeated requests, but very little. We just try no to pack a lot of our own things to leave room for the loot, because I am trying to keep this "her issue" and not "my issue."
This past week, the kids were at my parents' house-- for which I am desperately grateful. My parents drove them back this weekend and I didn't have to drive out there to pick them up-- for which I am desperately grateful. But (you knew that was coming, right?)...
Soon after walking in, my mom held out a small red-hooded sweatshirt (dip dip dip sweatshirt-- sorry, I can't say that without thinking of Adam Sandler) and said, "This is for Aurora." I should have let it go, because it's not that big a deal, but I couldn't help thinking of the 8 sweatshirts she has in her closet and said that she already has a lot. A few martyred looks and several "fine, fine"s later, she put the sweatshirt back in her bag to bring home.
After she had gone I was unpacking Aurora's suitcase. There, hidden among the clothes I sent with her, were 3 new sweatshirts. Sigh.
This sounds a little whiny. I will write a very positive blog entry about my mother in the future to make up for it. I promise.
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5 comments:
If she is insistent upon giving them things anyway, why does Mater not make it easy on the both of you and make her a list each, eh, Fall?
"Here are a few things the kids could really use:"
Sounds selfish, yes. Rian knows. But tis better than getting fifteen toys that will never be touched or thirty sweatshirts that will never be worn.
Tis hard on the pride, but in the end easier on the heart, I think.
And Rian speaks from experience.
Mater has tried. Mater gets the things from the list and all the usual miscellany. Most of the time I can stop myself from getting caught up in it, but-- I don't know. It just hit me differently for some reason today I guess.
Does the miscellany ever get checked up on? As in can Mater give the majority of the miscellany away again without being detected in such nefarious activity?
If not then I think the best is to continue as you are, yes...make it clear that you really don't want all the stuff, but to take it any further just makes it into more of an issue than it needs to be as clearly your mother doesn't really get your point of view on this - and that's bad grounds for a reasonable discussion.
I am in awe of any child who cries at too many presents, though.
You want awe, you should have seen that pile of presents. You know how usually people say that the present opening is over too quickly? It was hours. Hours.
But, *looks around to be sure Mumsie isn't reading blogs these days* I have started doing what you suggested, skits. I have a plastic bag in my room upstairs specifically for unwanted clothes that sneak into the house and when it is full I drop it off at Salvation Army. The toys are a little harder to deal with.
But, yeah, that was pretty much my conclusion, too. I spoke to her about it directly several times, and now I've decided to let her do what she wants and not be too upset by it. Although I am still sometimes upset by the unknown vicarious charitable donations she makes.
Rian thinks Mater is handling it quite well.
Mumsie is happy because she is allowed to give, the children are hardly lacking, and some child at the other end of charitable donations is getting something lovely.
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