My emotions have felt a little out of control to me lately. I have not been having mood swings so much as mood seesaws-- I am not having any manic upswings or bleak downswings, but I go from kind of normal to low and lethargic. Does that make any sense, or am I just amusing myself with my own clever analogies?
My "kind of" normal is stressed but able to muddle through and be somewhat hopeful. But then I dip down to overwhelmed, judging that I am faking everyone out and not doing anything (work, parenting) very well; knowing that I don't want things to continue things the way they are but unable to see another way.
Last weekend I was probably lower than that, as I was secretly hoping I could take an online test and "prove" (to who?) that I was depressed. The (rather illogical) thinking went something like this-- if I am depressed , I can take meds and everything will be better. Now, I have known too many people who have been diagnosed with depression to think that it is really that easy. Magical thinking at work, I guess. But lately someone who has been successful with anti-depressants said that now she feels like herself again-- and this resonated with me because this mood (these moods?) don't really feel like me. I wasn't always like this, but sometimes it feels hard to remember when that was. Seriously-- last Spring or 10 years ago, I can't clearly look back and know for sure.
Also, my mother recently started taking an anti-depressant and has been telling me that she can't believe the difference. (Isn't depression hereditary? my inner voice asks). She asked her doctor if she could have needed this for years and he told her yes. So, could my "kind of normal" not be normal at all? Or am I just looking for magic?
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2 comments:
If you feel like it really might be a problem, I think the best thing you can do is talk to your doctor. Nobody's going to think you're stupid or a hypochondriac or anything because you were worried about your mental state. And even if turns out that you're not suffering from any form of depression, being under a lot of stress is only likely to either cause or exacerbate other health issues.
You sound like you know for certain that something is wrong. Whether it is stress or depression, I'm going to echo daisy. Find a good doctor and talk to him/her. I wish I'd bitten the bullet years ago, but I think there's this kind of ingrained thinking that comes with those moods that tells you that everything will be okay in the end. But it's not really true, you have to take action yourself.
Get some blood tests as well (the doctor should do it automatically), just to make sure it's not something like low iron etc.
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